1. So when’s the next one coming?
Before this thought even crosses your mind, let alone your lips, just sit down (because you can! you can sit down without wincing, without breaking into an immediate pain-management sweat, without first looking around for your inflatable donut contraption, without counting the minutes ’til your next sitz bath! lucky you!) …sit down and think about it. How likely would you be rubbing your hands together, eagerly planning the ‘next one’ after squeezing a human being out of one of your orifices? Trust me, you wouldn’t be. And she’s not either, so shut up with your stupid future plans for a uterus that isn’t even yours and do the right thing…bring a casserole, smile at the baby, then leave. If you must stay, start doing laundry.
2. Is the baby sleeping through the night?
No. It’s a baby. They are programmed to have big, beautiful, curious, helpless eyes that never stay shut long enough for their parents to even encroach on anything looking like REM sleep. Don’t ask this question because it will send any mom into an immediate state of panic–Should she be sleeping through the night? What am I doing wrong? It’s a wrap, I’m the worst mom ever. If you feel compelled to ask this question you must follow it up with an offer to take the baby for an entire night so you can see for yourself. It’s either that or make her a casserole. So, make your bed, then lie awake in it, okay?
3. Are you breastfeeding?
This should be a no brainer. If you’ve never seen the new mom’s boobs, you have no business inquiring about them. Take your dirty mind to the kitchen and make her a casserole.
4. Can you even remember your life before baby?
Most deliveries consist of a baby entering the world via a vagina or an incision. A vigorous google search will not serve up deliveries that require lobotomies. Yes, she remembers that life. There are artifacts of it all over the place…the bottle of Scotch in the cupboard that only her man has touched, the cute kitten-heels in her closet her swollen feet may never be reunited with, the make up she used to wear, the toothbrush she used to use, the dog she used to remember to feed. She remembers that life and in it you once made her a casserole and it made her very happy. Be a dear and take her on a trip down memory lane, why don’t you?
5. Are you going to vaccinate/pierce her ears/circumcise him/hire a nanny/take her to daycare/give her a tramp stamp/let her cuss like a sailor/teach him French/let her juggle knives…etc.
Leave the future in the future. New mom’s brain is hormone-assaulted and not ready to make all kinds of plans that are probably none of your business. The only thing she’s planning to do is tear through that casserole you were nice enough to bring, so be a peach and go pop it in the oven, okay?