I stumbled upon this great new site called cowbird. They describe themselves as “a small community of storytellers, sharing heartfelt, personal stories, encouraging a deeper, longer-lasting kind of self-expression than you’re likely to find anywhere else on the web.” A tall order…but I think they can do it!
I joined and wrote a story about my dog, Roy. You can check it out here.
(via postsecret)
Unfortunately, the likelihood you’ll see a sexy real estate agent this year is still very, very high.
I met an interesting fellow over the weekend and he let me in on a little secret: “When it comes to men pursuing women, it’s either courtship or conquest.” I asked about the fuzzy space between courtship and conquest and he assured me there is no such space. The more I thought about it the next day, the more I believed him to be spot on. I’d love to know what do you all think? Is it one or the other, or is there room for more?
Having always been a big fan of eavesdropping, this is totally making my day.
TO WHOMEVER STOLE MY WALLET TODAY:
Karma’s a bitch.
–Piper
Dear Piper,
What if I want to go see “Tooth Fairy” with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson? Will I ever be respected again?
–Meg
Dear Meg,
Can you rebound on the respect meter from this film? Yes. Will it be easy? Relatively so, if you employ the concept of contrition often used by the Catholic Church: for every sin, a confession and then an act of penance. Voilá, religious forgiveness!
In your case, I think you should try to catch a matinee of “Tooth Fairy.” An earlier viewing feels like less of an affront to the art of cinema. Afterwards, go to a coffee shop near a university and find a surly culture-snob lurking in the corner. He or she will be the one with dirty fingernails working feverishly on a dissertation. Confess your viewing to them and then walk away immediately. Follow that up with a visit to your Netflix queue. Put Kieslowski’s “Dekalog” at the top. Voilá, celluloid forgiveness!
–Piper
Dear Piper,
Is it wrong that I pretended to play a game on my iPhone so I could read what this woman was writing in her journal on the subway?
–Peeping Tom
Dear Peeping Tom,
I asked a couple of experts. Steve Jobs said ‘no.’ Bill Gates said, ‘yes.’
–Piper
Dear Piper,
I am what you would call a chronic slob, as far as my living environment. I still tuck in my shirt and trim my goatee. But today I got called out in a pitch meeting for wearing an argyle sock on my left foot and a white Puma tube sock on the right. I had no idea. But, my “two room studio,” is in utter chaos. On my coffee table, as I write this, is a cap-less stick of deodorant, a half eaten nuttella sandwich, a USB cable, a half ramekin of basil vinaigrette, and The Muppet Movie soundtrack on CD. As soon as I peel myself off my couch, I’m sure there’ll be at least 50 cents in change embedded in my back.
So where do I begin? I’ve tried attacking one section of my apartment at a time and while half way through vacuuming I’ll find a notebook full of ideas for a comic strip or blog and it’s all over. How do I divide and conquer? Or do I try attack it in one full swoop? What do ya say?
Thanks Piper.
–Clutter Boy
Dear Clutter Boy,
You had me at Nutella.
I hear you. It is beyond difficult to maintain a sense of orderliness and organization in a two-room studio. Especially if you’re also housing a split-personality; one who wears argyle socks and another who wears tube socks.
Here’s what my brother and I used to do when it was time for us to clean up our messes. We’d stand back-to-back, interlock arms, and take turns lifting each other up in the air while singing the Speed Racer theme song. Go Speed Racer, Go Speed Racer, Go Speed Racer, Go! Then we’d zoom around the room trying to clean up as fast as we could. We’d time ourselves and keep track, trying to straighten up faster and faster as the weeks went on.
This worked for a while, until my brother and I reached that inevitable stage where it was necessary for us to despise each other and become interested in vastly different pastimes: for him it was collecting beer cans, for me it was hair-straightening chemistry.
Now, I’m not suggesting you and your split-personality stand back-to-back and sing about Speed Racer. That would be a little creepy. But what I do suggest you borrow from my 1970’s ritual is the idea of timing yourself. Begin by giving yourself a block of time you’ll commit to cleaning. Start small. 10, 15, 20 minutes, or so. Then, be adamant about sticking with it. When you’re clearing out the dust bunnies below the couch and you find that notebook, put it aside and tell yourself, “Clutter Boy, you’ve got 5 more minutes of cleaning, then you can spend the rest of the night with that notebook.” Let nothing get in the way of cleaning during the time you’ve committed to cleaning. The more you do this, the longer increments of time you can commit to, the more you’ll be able to clean.
Good luck. And when you crawl yourself out from the filth, give a shout out and let me know how it’s going.
–Piper
Dear Piper,
Do you think it’s bad etiquette to play “hide the pickle” when staying at someone’s house? Are some situations OK and others not? For instance, if we’re sleeping over at her parents house vs. my old college roommate’s vs. my grandma’s?
–House Guest
Dear House Guest,
I think all’s fair in love and war and sleepovers as long as you manage the evidence. Do your thing, do it with the door shut, do it at a lower volume than normal and then clean up after it. And when I say clean up, I mean it. Pretend a team of DNA experts are coming in afterwards armed with test tubes and black lights and tweezers and bloodhounds. Make it very difficult for them to find a trace of any indecorous activity.
I say this assuming ‘hide the pickle’ is your euphemism for ‘doing the nasty.’ If, however, you literally want to hide a pickle in your generous friend or relative’s house, like behind the drapes or above a ceiling panel, I’ll have to change my advice. Literally hiding a pickle in someone’s home is rude and does not qualify as an appropriate hostess gift.
–Piper
Dear Piper,
How do I teach my cat to do headstands? I’ve tried tying a treat to his hind legs, and also once to his nether-tail, but so far this approach seems misguided.
–kitkat4life0092
Dear kitkat4life0092,
Misguided indeed. Let me point out the obvious: 1-you are trying to train a cat, and 2-you are trying to train a male cat.
I’d advise you to consider whether this endeavor is worth the effort. In the amount of time it’s going to take to teach your cat to go upside down you could accomplish so many other things: sexual reassignment surgery, hitchhiking across the country, stem cell research.
If, after careful consideration, you decide you really need to accomplish this feline feat, I think a trip the the hardware store is in order. Get yourself a hot glue gun, some plywood, duct tape, paint thinner and bubble wrap. Gather these tools together and show them to your cat. Then, ask him nicely to pretty please with sugar on top stand on his head. If he still refuses, it’s tool time. Now, if the next steps don’t seem obvious email me directly as I’m trying to avoid the ire of askpiper’s animal lovers.
–Piper
