Category Archives: sex

Stephen

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Hey Piper,

I am hoping you can add some perspective to this for me. I noticed that you have a status as in an “open relationship”. My question is, what makes an open relationship work? In other words, what do you think are the traits and requirements for a successful open relationship and do you have any specific does and don’ts you can suggest to me?

–Stephan

Dear Stephan

It’s true. askpiper’s facebook status is in an “open relationship.” But that refers to askpiper the brand, not Piper the person. In fact, Piper the person is in a monogamous relationship and is soon to be (OMG) hitched. askpiper is rather flirtatious and will solicit questions from just about anyone, that hussy!

But, on to your question. Lucky for you, my soon to be Mr. Ball and Chain and I recently met with our officiant to go over our homework. (Yes, there’s homework involved in getting married. There also intense linens and silverware discussions and much handwringing over vows and passed hors d’oeuvres—lamb balls, anyone?) When the topic of commitment and relationships came up, our officiant focused on two areas: intent and communication. It stuck with me.

Any relationship, open or otherwise, is a continually evolving ebb and flow of emotions, sacrifices, ups, downs, joys and gooey stuff. If each partner is aware of his or her intentions, truly aware, and if each partner communicates his or her intentions well, perhaps that’s the key to success. Obviously, an open relationship dictates that each person involved really, really, really want that type of a relationship. Then, I would imagine, there would need to be a lot of communication regarding boundaries, rules and expectations. Frank conversations…even if neither of you are named Frank.

I found some interesting reading online about open relationships, both from the male and female perspective. Give them a look and I’m sure you’ll learn a thing or two to help you along on this polyamorous journey.

–Piper

Ladies, clean out your ears

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Here’s a topic that came up over dinner recently.  A single lady friend of mine who is super cute recounted a new situation in her life. It seems she’s reconnected with a male middle school friend and they’ve been hanging out ‘as friends.’ But, she’s wondering if maybe they could be more.

“Great!” I said. “What’s the problem?”

“I’m not sure. He might be gay,” was her answer.

Fair enough. In this metrosexual-friendly world it is getting harder and harder for a girl to keep her gaydar tuning fork performing well.

“Why do you think that?” I asked.

“Well, the other day we were talking and he said, ‘I don’t really like to sleep with girls because’…” I immediately cut her off, then took my fork and poked it into her eye, bringing her head closer to my face so I could scream into her ear. Basically I let her in on a little secret: men are seldom mysterious. If you listen, they will tell you exactly what they are thinking. If you listen, you will know exactly who they are. But the key is to really LISTEN.

I told my friend that, yes, she should be suspect of the sexual predilections of a man who can say these words, in this order, without fumbling or stuttering: I DON’T LIKE SLEEPING WITH WOMEN BECAUSE…

After retrieving my fork, she continued.  “Lemme finish. He said he doesn’t like sleeping with women because then he has to have a pseudo-relationship with them and he doesn’t really want to see them in the morning.”

This time I employed my knife. My friend was so blatantly not listening to this guy that she missed the real question: it’s not ‘is he or isn’t he gay?’…it’s ‘how big of an asshole is he?’ Because a guy who tells you he doesn’t want to see girls in the morning is telling you he doesn’t want to see you in the morning. He was being very straightforward about how he feels about women, but my friend wasn’t hearing him.

So, ladies, clean out your ears. It may spare you a whole lot of heartache and get you focusing on the right questions.

–Piper

House Guest

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Dear Piper,

Do you think it’s bad etiquette to play “hide the pickle” when staying at someone’s house? Are some situations OK and others not? For instance, if we’re sleeping over at her parents house vs. my old college roommate’s vs. my grandma’s?

–House Guest

Dear House Guest,

I think all’s fair in love and war and sleepovers as long as you manage the evidence. Do your thing, do it with the door shut, do it at a lower volume than normal and then clean up after it. And when I say clean up, I mean it. Pretend a team of DNA experts are coming in afterwards armed with test tubes and black lights and tweezers and bloodhounds. Make it very difficult for them to find a trace of any indecorous activity.

I say this assuming ‘hide the pickle’ is your euphemism for ‘doing the nasty.’ If, however, you literally want to hide a pickle in your generous friend or relative’s house, like behind the drapes or above a ceiling panel, I’ll have to change my advice. Literally hiding a pickle in someone’s home is rude and does not qualify as an appropriate hostess gift.

–Piper

Randall

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Piper,

I’m 32 and have a girlfriend who is 2 years older than me. She is not as beautiful or as young as the girls I typically go after (or fantasize about) and after her persistence for the last year I have decided to remain loyal out of both love and perhaps fear of being alone. As long as I’m loving and present in her life she is happy, but I could easily cheat on her if another woman tempts my loins with available sex or affection (it’s happened on two occasions). I don’t actively pursue other women, but my mind/body still craves more experience before settling down completely. I assume the right thing to do is break up, but I might be totally in love with her and never recover from the loss, plus my family really likes her.  She’s a cool girl so I’m just wondering if I’m being a dick or I’m just deluded. Another friend told me I might be loyal out of pity, which scares me.

–Randall

Dear Randall,

Ouch!

They made me take a diversity sensitivity training seminar at work and one thing I learned from it is it’s OK to say ‘ouch’ when something hurts you. Loyal out of pity? Ouch!

Now, you didn’t ask if you should break up or stay together, and I’m not in a position to advise either way given the amount of information you’ve provided. But you did ask if you’re being a dick or delusional. Here’s what I think; you’re neither. In fact, you’re a very self-aware guy. The problem is, you’ve been having your cake and eating it too and this new status of ‘loyal’ is a threat to that. The jig is up. Your sweet tooth has gotten the best of you and you don’t want to pass up dessert.

So what’s there to do for a guy in your position? Let’s lay some things out on the table here. First, you obviously have feelings for your girlfriend; you’ve introduced her to your family and you’re still together. Second, I’m sure you’re smart enough to know that your loins are going to be tested for many more years no matter what your relationship status. Given these facts, I’m intrigued by your intimating a possible fear of being alone. You’ve already taken advantage of two occasions to cheat, so I don’t think breaking up with your girlfriend means you’ll be sentenced to a life of solitude. In fact, I’m sure the opposite would pan out and you’d be hooking up as frequently as you wanted. So, when you say you might have a fear of being alone, I don’t think you mean alone as in lack of company, like you get from a one-night stand. No, I think you mean alone as in lack of companionship, like what you get from a girlfriend.

There’s something in you that wants to be in this relationship, and loyal in it for all the reasons couples are loyal. This will require some loin checking and working out your ‘experience’ fantasies with your girlfriend. There’s something in you that wants to be single. This will require a certain acceptance of a certain kind of loneliness. And there’s something in you that wants the best of both worlds. This will require a morality check and a good poker face for all the upcoming lies.

I’d advise you to understand the feelings you’re having right now are just feelings and not necessarily reasons to take action…yet. Some time spent thinking about what you want out of life, and a relationships, however, might be in order. And if you do decide to break up, don’t worry about your girl, she’s better off with the sting of a breakup than the malaise of your 50% effort.

–Piper

Dumbfounded

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Dear Piper,

Why do some men like lesbian strippers?

–Dumbfounded

Dear Dumbfounded,

It happens a little more frequently than Halley’s Comet and a little less frequently than leap years, the question that stumps askpiper. Luckily, I have a few trusted sources on which to rely. I’ve turned to my friend, Spanish Johnny (www.spanishjohnny.com) for some insight into your question and here’s what he had to say: “If there’s one thing Johnny knows, it’s carburetors. That and strippers. Men gravitate toward lesbian strippers because they know no other man will ever have them. In one of life’s greatest ironies, lesbian strippers are looked upon as pure and unspoiled. Furthermore, it’s much easier on a man’s pride to lose a chick to another chick than to another dude. “Well, at least it’s not me,” he thinks. “She doesn’t like ANY dudes.” Of course, in the end, we all know the lesbian thing is an act. No woman can resist the **** forever.”

–Piper

Hungry and Sexually Confused

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Dear Piper,

Does it surprise you that Cheez-Its are America’s #1 cheese-flavored snack cracker? Also, does trying to fellate myself with the aid of a long rubber tube make me gay?

–Hungry and Sexually Confused

Dear Hungry and Sexually Confused,

As a grown woman, the American appetite for artificially flavored cheese products that crunch when you bite them and leave a stubborn orange residue on your fingers will never surprise me. Nor will the extremes men will go to for self-pleasure. I don’t think such an experiment means you’re gay. Certainly not. However, I caution you to refrain from indulging in American’s #1 cheese-flavored snack cracker before engaging in the American Male’s #1 favorite past time. That’s no place for a stubborn orange residue.

–Piper

Windy City Wendy

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Dear Piper,

My husband keeps telling me that his penis isn’t going to blow itself. I’m not convinced and think we should give it more time. What do you think?

–Windy City Wendy

Dear Windy City Wendy,

I’m an optimist. I think it’s possible. And that could be just the beginning. It could learn to do the laundry, make crepes and maybe even file a tax return. Be careful of it becoming too independent, however, because it might just wander off one day leaving you to discover you actually miss it.

–Piper

Where’s My O?

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Dear Piper,

I’m a woman over 30 and have never ‘gotten it good.’ By ‘gotten it good’ I mean I’ve never climaxed in bed. It’s starting to make me self conscious. However, in my own defense, they usually only last a few seconds. And after a few lame bangs, I usually start to hate things about the man. His smell. His undersized calf muscles. The incessant trails of text messages ending in this>:) I’m really tired of hearing things like: ‘You haven’t met the right one’…’You need to open up’…’You need to lead in bed’…’You need to know your body’…’You need to look in different places.’ It’s not that I’m frigid, I just haven’t the time, nor vaginal space, for amateurs. Piper, am I a man hater? Or do I just need to find a real good bang? Thanks for your consideration.

–Where’s My O?

Dear O,

Wow. I had to sit on your question for a few days before formulating the proper response. You don’t mention whether you can climax out of bed, on your own, wherever that may be…in the bathtub, at the office, at a rodeo. If you can’t, my advice is to visit a doctor and make sure what’s happening (or not happening) isn’t a physical issue. It may not be the guy’s fault, or your fault, but it could be Mother Nature’s fault and with a tweak in the right area you might just find yourself on the road to Orgasm Lane in no time.

However, if you can climax on your own and you’re frustrated because you’ve never ‘gotten it good,’ meaning you’ve never climaxed in bed from a man’s efforts, well, here we go. I’m gonna be honest. I’ve gotten it good. I’ve gotten it so-so. I’ve gotten it would have rather gone to the movies. I’ve gotten it thank you sir, may I have another? I’ve gotten it and passed out. I’ve gotten it ho-hum. I’ve gotten it holy shit. You never know from the beginning, especially with someone new, how it’s gonna net out. So if you’re going into a liaison with expectations of how to sum it up when it’s all over, well, I think you’re doing yourself, the fellow and sex in general a disservice. Sex is too mysterious and human beings are too complicated. Whether you’re thinking, ‘this better be good’ or ‘I’ll probably not climax yet again,’ you’re setting yourself up for failure. Stop fixating on the finish line and enjoy the race. How? Take your focus off your body for a moment and see what’s up with his. Tickle his yoo-hoo and see how he reacts. Lick his bo-jangles and note any changes in body temperature. Pinch a thing-a-ma-jig and see if he squirms. You might find that turning him on turns you on and you’ll be that much closer to the Big O. If you get to the point where he might lose control, there are things you can do to curtail his climax. Google it. Askpiper.com isn’t gonna get that specific. And when you turn the focus back on yourself, help the guy out if he’s not doing exactly what you want. Show him, implicitly, what works for you. Or, do it yourself so he can see. Then do it yourself again, so he can see. And again. I think if you bring yourself to a climax in bed with a man you’ll feel more comfortable about letting him do it the next time. Even if he’s an ‘amateur’ he deserves a chance to learn and you deserve a chance to teach. And yes, this may take time. Part of ‘getting it good’ is ‘giving it good.’ Make the time. It’s sex; it’s worth it. And something tells me when you find the guy that gives you a ‘real good bang’ you’re not going to care what he smells like or what size his calves are. The texting of emoticons, though, that’ll make a girl lose her boner in a heartbeat.

–Piper

Zeke

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Dear Piper,

Everyone makes fun of me. They say I’m gay. I’m not. My voice hasn’t changed yet and sometimes I get beaten up. I have consulted adults but that doesn’t help. I need a solution. Thanks.

–Zeke

Dear Zeke,

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this kind of crap. Growing up is hard enough; you certainly don’t need anyone adding to your angst.

If it’s any consolation, I’ve been in your shoes. I was a late bloomer myself and thought I’d never get boobs of my own. Then one day they just showed up. And you know what? Nothing really changed much afterwards except my little brother would snap my Wonder Woman Underoos ‘bra’ and it became harder to follow-through on my swing in softball. So, as far as your voice changing, don’t fret, your body has it’s own plan and it knows what’s best. You’ll go from Michael Jackson to Barry White in no time.

Now, regarding everyone making fun of you…I’ve noticed a curious thing lately, Zeke. People treat you in a manner in accordance with how you treat yourself. What I mean to say is this: if you truly think you’re hot stuff, if you truly think you’re smart or funny or creative or whatever, you’ll exude that energy and others will pick up on it. Have you ever noticed someone at a party or on the street who just seems really comfortable in his or her own skin? And have you noticed yourself wanting to hang out with that person? That’s the energy I’m talking about. I want you to go about the business of thinking Zeke is the shit. Everyday I want you to say to yourself, “Zeke, you’re the shit.” Even if you don’t believe it at first, keep it up and let’s see what happens. You’re detractors may soon become your most adoring fans.

–Piper

BiMoreWayzDen1

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Hey Piper,

I’ve been bisexual for two years now, but I like girls more than I do guys. Right now I really like this girl, but she never believes me because she says I never seem sincere. What should I do?

–BiMoreWayzDen1

Dear BiMoreWayzDen1,

Girl meets girl. Girl gets girl. If only it were that simple. Trust and sincerity don’t happen overnight. If your intentions truly are heartfelt, I think time will tell. I wonder, however, how is it that you’re communicating your feelings to your hard-to-get hottie? Are you saying and doing things that are boring and the norm? You know…complimenting her eyes…complimenting her clothes…buying her flowers. In other words, are you expressing your true feelings in ways that aren’t true to your personality or character? This could be where the insincerity she accuses you of is stemming from. Be yourself. Express yourself as only you can. Use your own language, your own sense of humor or your own penchant for uber-romantic stuff. If all that fails you can go Cro-Magnon on her, club her over the head and drag her to your cave by her hair.

–Piper