Category Archives: relationships

5 Things Not To Ask A New Mom

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1. So when’s the next one coming?
Before this thought even crosses your mind, let alone your lips, just sit down (because you can! you can sit down without wincing, without breaking into an immediate pain-management sweat, without first looking around for your inflatable donut contraption, without counting the minutes ’til your next sitz bath! lucky you!) …sit down and think about it. How likely would you be rubbing your hands together, eagerly planning the ‘next one’ after squeezing a human being out of one of your orifices? Trust me, you wouldn’t be. And she’s not either, so shut up with your stupid future plans for a uterus that isn’t even yours and do the right thing…bring a casserole, smile at the baby, then leave. If you must stay, start doing laundry.

2. Is the baby sleeping through the night?
No. It’s a baby. They are programmed to have big, beautiful, curious, helpless eyes that never stay shut long enough for their parents to even encroach on anything looking like REM sleep. Don’t ask this question because it will send any mom into an immediate state of panic–Should she be sleeping through the night? What am I doing wrong? It’s a wrap, I’m the worst mom ever. If you feel compelled to ask this question you must follow it up with an offer to take the baby for an entire night so you can see for yourself. It’s either that or make her a casserole. So, make your bed, then lie awake in it, okay?

3. Are you breastfeeding?
This should be a no brainer. If you’ve never seen the new mom’s boobs, you have no business inquiring about them. Take your dirty mind to the kitchen and make her a casserole.

4. Can you even remember your life before baby?
Most deliveries consist of a baby entering the world via a vagina or an incision. A vigorous google search will not serve up deliveries that require lobotomies. Yes, she remembers that life. There are artifacts of it all over the place…the bottle of Scotch in the cupboard that only her man has touched, the cute kitten-heels in her closet her swollen feet may never be reunited with, the make up she used to wear, the toothbrush she used to use, the dog she used to remember to feed. She remembers that life and in it you once made her a casserole and it made her very happy. Be a dear and take her on a trip down memory lane, why don’t you?

5. Are you going to vaccinate/pierce her ears/circumcise him/hire a nanny/take her to daycare/give her a tramp stamp/let her cuss like a sailor/teach him French/let her juggle knives…etc.
Leave the future in the future. New mom’s brain is hormone-assaulted and not ready to make all kinds of plans that are probably none of your business. The only thing she’s planning to do is tear through that casserole you were nice enough to bring, so be a peach and go pop it in the oven, okay?

 

Younger People in Relationships vs. Old(ish) People in Relationships

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This just floored me. Via A Cup Of Jo’s husband, an explanation of the different role annoyances play in relationships between younger people and older people. I can’t wait to show this to one of my younger friends the next time they complain about the boyfriend who snaps his fingers when he dances, whistles or likes to eat cereal for dinner while sitting on the couch in his boxers watching Comedy Central and playing Farmville. Some things just shouldn’t carry that much weight.

“Young people in relationships tend to give negative things too much weight and underrate the positives. Negatives often get three times the weight of positives. But look at married couples in their eighties. Their little annoyances are often all they talk and joke about. “Oh, Miriam always says this…” “Oh, Herb always does that…” The little annoyances are acknowledged, accepted and part of the fabric of their relationship. They try act like they’re driving each other crazy but they really can’t live with out each other. Annoyances aren’t a deal killer. They’re a natural part of a long, happy marriage.”

(via: http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/)

To Thine Own Self Say “I Do”

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So there’s a woman in North Dakota who up and married herself. You can hear her tell Anderson Cooper about it here. Well, now she’s getting a lot of flack about it and I think that’s unfortunate. What’s wrong with a woman throwing herself a party, even if that party is a wedding? If I’ve said it before (oh look, I did), I’ll say it again…you don’t have to wait for Mr. or Mrs. Perfectly Right to come along to bring some love into your life. You can do it right now, whether it’s buying yourself some flowers, taking yourself out on a date or, in this case, saying ‘I do’ in the mirror.

I do have some questions about her big day, though. Did she smear wedding cake in her own face? Did she not let herself see herself in her dress before the ceremony? Did she carry herself over the threshold? And…of course, was the wedding night sex the best sex of her self-sexing life?

Can Ex’s Be Friends?

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(image via Ben Javens)

This is a topic that comes up a lot in the advice-giving world I live in…can couples survive a break up and remain friends? My short answer is a cautious yes. While I think it is possible, I think it needs to be managed well. And the most important thing is to have a cooling off period. Never try to go from lovers to buddies within a few days, let alone a few weeks. Give yourself some space, ignore the desire to ‘connect’ for ‘closure’ and to ‘re-establish’ the terms of your ‘relationship.’

It just won’t work. Won’t. Work.

There’s no such thing as closure. (Yes, I said it). And, there’s no reason to define anything while you’re licking your newly-single wounds. Just be. Be. And be all on your own for a minute or two. Preferably a month or two.

With some distance, that connection with the ex might not seem so desirable. You might find you don’t have the stuff that makes for a good friendship after all. Or, you might discover the opposite—that you do have room for them in your life. And with that distance from the break up you’ll be in the right head space to make it happen.

If only this guy had taken my advice…he’d still have a head full of teeth.

Marriage, explained through Netflix

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He:   So we have three movies, two for you and one for me.

She:   But aren’t they all movies for us?

He:   No. If it’s a movie where I can’t eat and watch at the same time because it has subtitles, that’s a ‘you’ movie. If it’s a movie where you’re gonna fall asleep half way through, that’s a ‘me’ movie. If it’s a movie that one of us tried to put in the queue and couldn’t, because the other had already put it there, that’s a ‘we’ movie.

She:   Oh. Well, let’s watch one of mine. If you’re not hungry.

Conquest or Courtship?

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I met an interesting fellow over the weekend and he let me in on a little secret: “When it comes to men pursuing women, it’s either courtship or conquest.” I asked about the fuzzy space between courtship and conquest and he assured me there is no such space. The more I thought about it the next day, the more I believed him to be spot on. I’d love to know what do you all think? Is it one or the other, or is there room for more?

Stephen

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Hey Piper,

I am hoping you can add some perspective to this for me. I noticed that you have a status as in an “open relationship”. My question is, what makes an open relationship work? In other words, what do you think are the traits and requirements for a successful open relationship and do you have any specific does and don’ts you can suggest to me?

–Stephan

Dear Stephan

It’s true. askpiper’s facebook status is in an “open relationship.” But that refers to askpiper the brand, not Piper the person. In fact, Piper the person is in a monogamous relationship and is soon to be (OMG) hitched. askpiper is rather flirtatious and will solicit questions from just about anyone, that hussy!

But, on to your question. Lucky for you, my soon to be Mr. Ball and Chain and I recently met with our officiant to go over our homework. (Yes, there’s homework involved in getting married. There also intense linens and silverware discussions and much handwringing over vows and passed hors d’oeuvres—lamb balls, anyone?) When the topic of commitment and relationships came up, our officiant focused on two areas: intent and communication. It stuck with me.

Any relationship, open or otherwise, is a continually evolving ebb and flow of emotions, sacrifices, ups, downs, joys and gooey stuff. If each partner is aware of his or her intentions, truly aware, and if each partner communicates his or her intentions well, perhaps that’s the key to success. Obviously, an open relationship dictates that each person involved really, really, really want that type of a relationship. Then, I would imagine, there would need to be a lot of communication regarding boundaries, rules and expectations. Frank conversations…even if neither of you are named Frank.

I found some interesting reading online about open relationships, both from the male and female perspective. Give them a look and I’m sure you’ll learn a thing or two to help you along on this polyamorous journey.

–Piper

Ladies, clean out your ears

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Here’s a topic that came up over dinner recently.  A single lady friend of mine who is super cute recounted a new situation in her life. It seems she’s reconnected with a male middle school friend and they’ve been hanging out ‘as friends.’ But, she’s wondering if maybe they could be more.

“Great!” I said. “What’s the problem?”

“I’m not sure. He might be gay,” was her answer.

Fair enough. In this metrosexual-friendly world it is getting harder and harder for a girl to keep her gaydar tuning fork performing well.

“Why do you think that?” I asked.

“Well, the other day we were talking and he said, ‘I don’t really like to sleep with girls because’…” I immediately cut her off, then took my fork and poked it into her eye, bringing her head closer to my face so I could scream into her ear. Basically I let her in on a little secret: men are seldom mysterious. If you listen, they will tell you exactly what they are thinking. If you listen, you will know exactly who they are. But the key is to really LISTEN.

I told my friend that, yes, she should be suspect of the sexual predilections of a man who can say these words, in this order, without fumbling or stuttering: I DON’T LIKE SLEEPING WITH WOMEN BECAUSE…

After retrieving my fork, she continued.  “Lemme finish. He said he doesn’t like sleeping with women because then he has to have a pseudo-relationship with them and he doesn’t really want to see them in the morning.”

This time I employed my knife. My friend was so blatantly not listening to this guy that she missed the real question: it’s not ‘is he or isn’t he gay?’…it’s ‘how big of an asshole is he?’ Because a guy who tells you he doesn’t want to see girls in the morning is telling you he doesn’t want to see you in the morning. He was being very straightforward about how he feels about women, but my friend wasn’t hearing him.

So, ladies, clean out your ears. It may spare you a whole lot of heartache and get you focusing on the right questions.

–Piper