There’s no greater peace than knowing who you are and how you wanna live. But, knowing is just the first part. Then comes the preaching…and practicing what you preach. Unapologetically. Hats off to this gal, who’s putting it out there for her future husband.
This just floored me. Via A Cup Of Jo’s husband, an explanation of the different role annoyances play in relationships between younger people and older people. I can’t wait to show this to one of my younger friends the next time they complain about the boyfriend who snaps his fingers when he dances, whistles or likes to eat cereal for dinner while sitting on the couch in his boxers watching Comedy Central and playing Farmville. Some things just shouldn’t carry that much weight.
“Young people in relationships tend to give negative things too much weight and underrate the positives. Negatives often get three times the weight of positives. But look at married couples in their eighties. Their little annoyances are often all they talk and joke about. “Oh, Miriam always says this…” “Oh, Herb always does that…” The little annoyances are acknowledged, accepted and part of the fabric of their relationship. They try act like they’re driving each other crazy but they really can’t live with out each other. Annoyances aren’t a deal killer. They’re a natural part of a long, happy marriage.”
So there’s a woman in North Dakota who up and married herself. You can hear her tell Anderson Cooper about it here. Well, now she’s getting a lot of flack about it and I think that’s unfortunate. What’s wrong with a woman throwing herself a party, even if that party is a wedding? If I’ve said it before (oh look, I did), I’ll say it again…you don’t have to wait for Mr. or Mrs. Perfectly Right to come along to bring some love into your life. You can do it right now, whether it’s buying yourself some flowers, taking yourself out on a date or, in this case, saying ‘I do’ in the mirror.
I do have some questions about her big day, though. Did she smear wedding cake in her own face? Did she not let herself see herself in her dress before the ceremony? Did she carry herself over the threshold? And…of course, was the wedding night sex the best sex of her self-sexing life?
I’m a huge fan. Huuuuge. I know I am putting this heavy question in good hands.
My boyfriend, my partner, my everything moved to another freakin’ continent for a new job and other I-live-in-a-foreign-country glory. The plan is for me to follow ASAP. My friend said, “That’s great. But what are you getting out of it? He moves. You follow. Where’s the 50/50 in that?” I think she has a good point. But the only answer I have is: I love him. And he’s going to let me name our first-born child Tito.
Am I blinded by love or am I seeing clearly?
–Tito’s future mom
Dear Tito’s future mom,
Does your friend pay these guys $14.00 a month to maintain an advice column? Did she pay this guy a tidy sum for an awesome logo? Did she have these guys make her some gorgeous letterpress calling cards? I doubt it. Beware of taking advice from a non-branded, non-professional.
I have a few questions. First, how attached are you to this freakin’ continent? Do you love yourself some North America? Do you have trouble seeing yourself living in one of her sister continents? Or, to the contrary, when it comes to your Canadian, American and Mexican brethren, can you take us or leave us, at least for a temporary spell? Let’s say you were single and an amazing opportunity arose for you in a different place, is it something you’d go after? If not, you may want to stay stateside. But if so, I think it’s fair to say you have an adventurous personality, adventurous enough to take this leap if you want.
But, before you pack your bags and schedule the going-away festivities, I have another question. You say the plan is for you to follow ASAP. Is this your plan, your everything’s plan or a plan that belongs to you both? Is your boyfriend finding a place for you to live, either with him or on your own? Is he scouting out people, places and things that’ll make your life there fun? Are you investigating job or school or other vocational activities in said continent? For this to go well, I think it has to be something you both want very badly.
Now, before you break your lease and sublet your place, I have yet another question. Can you make this move benefit your life in some way? Can you find a great job or a great academic program? Can you learn a new skill that’ll take you further in life? I don’t know what you do, but the dreams and goals you have for yourself can’t be put on hold or squelched by this move. You need your own live-in-a-foreign-country glory, too. This is where the 50/50 comes into play.
I disagree with your friend. I’m not saying you should go, but I am saying there could be something good for you, too, in this intercontinental mission, should you choose to accept it. If you go, go for yourself, go for an adventure, go for an experience, go to add some glue to your relationship; don’t go for your boyfriend, don’t go just for love, don’t go to save your relationship. See the difference? And know that if you choose to move, you two might break up, but you and Paris or Singapore or Capetown, wherever it is, might always stay together.
I should add, the romantic in me really wants everyone to find the yin to their yang, the lid to their pot, the ball to their chain. If there are two people in this world who want to name their first-born Tito, and if these two people have actually found each other, then I think crossing a few international borders in order to stay together is the least they could do.
I’m 32 and have a girlfriend who is 2 years older than me. She is not as beautiful or as young as the girls I typically go after (or fantasize about) and after her persistence for the last year I have decided to remain loyal out of both love and perhaps fear of being alone. As long as I’m loving and present in her life she is happy, but I could easily cheat on her if another woman tempts my loins with available sex or affection (it’s happened on two occasions). I don’t actively pursue other women, but my mind/body still craves more experience before settling down completely. I assume the right thing to do is break up, but I might be totally in love with her and never recover from the loss, plus my family really likes her. She’s a cool girl so I’m just wondering if I’m being a dick or I’m just deluded. Another friend told me I might be loyal out of pity, which scares me.
They made me take a diversity sensitivity training seminar at work and one thing I learned from it is it’s OK to say ‘ouch’ when something hurts you. Loyal out of pity? Ouch!
Now, you didn’t ask if you should break up or stay together, and I’m not in a position to advise either way given the amount of information you’ve provided. But you did ask if you’re being a dick or delusional. Here’s what I think; you’re neither. In fact, you’re a very self-aware guy. The problem is, you’ve been having your cake and eating it too and this new status of ‘loyal’ is a threat to that. The jig is up. Your sweet tooth has gotten the best of you and you don’t want to pass up dessert.
So what’s there to do for a guy in your position? Let’s lay some things out on the table here. First, you obviously have feelings for your girlfriend; you’ve introduced her to your family and you’re still together. Second, I’m sure you’re smart enough to know that your loins are going to be tested for many more years no matter what your relationship status. Given these facts, I’m intrigued by your intimating a possible fear of being alone. You’ve already taken advantage of two occasions to cheat, so I don’t think breaking up with your girlfriend means you’ll be sentenced to a life of solitude. In fact, I’m sure the opposite would pan out and you’d be hooking up as frequently as you wanted. So, when you say you might have a fear of being alone, I don’t think you mean alone as in lack of company, like you get from a one-night stand. No, I think you mean alone as in lack of companionship, like what you get from a girlfriend.
There’s something in you that wants to be in this relationship, and loyal in it for all the reasons couples are loyal. This will require some loin checking and working out your ‘experience’ fantasies with your girlfriend. There’s something in you that wants to be single. This will require a certain acceptance of a certain kind of loneliness. And there’s something in you that wants the best of both worlds. This will require a morality check and a good poker face for all the upcoming lies.
I’d advise you to understand the feelings you’re having right now are just feelings and not necessarily reasons to take action…yet. Some time spent thinking about what you want out of life, and a relationships, however, might be in order. And if you do decide to break up, don’t worry about your girl, she’s better off with the sting of a breakup than the malaise of your 50% effort.
When you love someone so much how do you know you have to let them go?
Dear Mr. Fitsnstarts,
If you love them so much you find yourself sitting outside their house in your car with binoculars and a week’s worth of provisions, then it’s time to let them go. If you love them so much you send them to the hospital the night they’re supposed to perform on the Grammy’s, it’s time to let them go. If you love them so much you’re digging a cellar to house them for safekeeping, it’s time to let them go.
I have a crush on a guy and we are going out. We are having an amazing time but he’s moving across the country in a month. We love to spend time on bed together (he’s grreeaat) and I feel I’m letting “the one” go away. How can I work out this expiration dating? Do I cut it by the root before I get more involved?
Hmm. You used the word ‘expiration.’ This leads me to believe, in your heart of hearts, you already see this feisty liaison coming to an end soon. My advice to you is enjoy it while it lasts; get absolutely no sleep, keep the googly eyes in fifth gear, call in horny and so on. Then, once Mr. Maybe The One has moved, give it a couple of months and after things simmer down see which cliché holds true: out of sight, out of mind…or, absence makes the heart grow fonder. If it’s the latter, I recommend a credit card where you can earn a lot of frequent flyer miles with your purchases and Skype. It may come to pass that you decide to move, too. Many people have moved across the United States for more silly things than love. I should know. I was one of them.
I Love a girl, she likes i don’t know if more. But i want a way to tell her how i feel. what should i do for her this new year?
Well, you’re starting the New Year off on the right foot; thinking with your heart. So you want a way to tell her how you feel. There’s always the straightforward approach; just tell her. Wait for the right moment, in the right place and just take a deep breath and go for it. However, if you’re craving a more creative manner, why not use the New Year as a muse? Give her 2,008 flowers (real or drawn). Or, make a list of 2,008 things you like about her. Or, give her a calendar and in advance write something unique on your birthday, her birthday, Valentine’s day and any other day you might want to spend with her. Hopefully she already likes you and when you woo her with your sincerity she’ll enter the love territory. Keep me posted.
Hey Piper! I’ve met a wonderful, amazing man. We’ve fallen in love in a matter of weeks. We’ve both had our fair share of failed relationships, and both know when something is ‘for real’. We know we’ll get married, have children, and spend the rest of our lives together. How long do we need to wait before ‘society’ will accept a wedding between two people who, seemingly, have just met?
–Madly in Love
Dear Madly in Love,
Well, well, well, you lucky little minx. Let’s just jump into this one, shall we? Revel in this love, throw down with it, get lost in it, rub it in everyone’s face and don’t even think about coming up for air. But might I suggest a period of engagement? Say, maybe, you set out to be engaged the same length of time that you dated? I say this not necessarily out of caution, but out of pragmatism. If you’re so sure about this, I think it’s OK to rush into it, but perhaps it’s a jogging rush instead of a sprint.
I happen to know a couple who were engaged and married within two months of meeting each other; their sixth child was conceived on the husband’s 50th birthday! So, you’re in good company. And as for when society will be ready to accept your impending nuptials, if we waited for society to be ready for things, well, we’d all be abstaining from everything fun, wouldn’t we? Sometimes we can’t wait for others to catch up to us, we just have to drag them along for the ride.