Category Archives: friendship

Addendum-dum, For Dummies…Make That 6 Questions Not To Ask A New Mom

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WorkingMom

I guess I hit a nerve, because my last post garnered the highest number of views since askpiper hit the web in ’04. Since the world doesn’t need another freaking mommy blog (and especially since the perfect one already exists right here) I refuse to go down that path.

I do, however, have this to add to my most recent post:

6. When are you going back to work?

It’s the greatest paradox. All through our 20s and 30s, women are asked (literally and subtlety) when we’re going to get married and spawn. A friend of mine, upon getting her MBA, was told by her mother, “Congrats. But I’m not sure how that thing is going to get you a husband.” Then, as soon as we do put our uteri to work and breed, we’re asked when we’re going to leave our newborns with a stranger, or a group of strangers or a willing relative and return to the work force so we can quickly learn the impossibility of having it all.

I first got asked this question just a few weeks after delivery. I write for a living and at the time I was so sleep deprived I was having trouble forming sentences and remembering words. Typing? Wow, that seemed much too physical a task to tackle. The question confused me; especially considering most people think giving birth requires a lobotomy (see question number 4). How could I go back to work without a brain?

My doctor had advised me not to have sex until 6 weeks after delivery. I figured that held true for commuting, too—in New York City it can be just as physical and invasive. And don’t even get me started on the backwardness of the US compared to other countries when it comes to maternity/paternity leaves!

So don’t ask a new mom when she’s going back to work, unless you’re her boss and you’re calling to give her a raise, a promotion or, a la Melissa Meyer, to tell her about the nursery you’re busy building right next to her cubicle to ease her return.

(photo from examiner.com)

5 Things Not To Ask A New Mom

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1. So when’s the next one coming?
Before this thought even crosses your mind, let alone your lips, just sit down (because you can! you can sit down without wincing, without breaking into an immediate pain-management sweat, without first looking around for your inflatable donut contraption, without counting the minutes ’til your next sitz bath! lucky you!) …sit down and think about it. How likely would you be rubbing your hands together, eagerly planning the ‘next one’ after squeezing a human being out of one of your orifices? Trust me, you wouldn’t be. And she’s not either, so shut up with your stupid future plans for a uterus that isn’t even yours and do the right thing…bring a casserole, smile at the baby, then leave. If you must stay, start doing laundry.

2. Is the baby sleeping through the night?
No. It’s a baby. They are programmed to have big, beautiful, curious, helpless eyes that never stay shut long enough for their parents to even encroach on anything looking like REM sleep. Don’t ask this question because it will send any mom into an immediate state of panic–Should she be sleeping through the night? What am I doing wrong? It’s a wrap, I’m the worst mom ever. If you feel compelled to ask this question you must follow it up with an offer to take the baby for an entire night so you can see for yourself. It’s either that or make her a casserole. So, make your bed, then lie awake in it, okay?

3. Are you breastfeeding?
This should be a no brainer. If you’ve never seen the new mom’s boobs, you have no business inquiring about them. Take your dirty mind to the kitchen and make her a casserole.

4. Can you even remember your life before baby?
Most deliveries consist of a baby entering the world via a vagina or an incision. A vigorous google search will not serve up deliveries that require lobotomies. Yes, she remembers that life. There are artifacts of it all over the place…the bottle of Scotch in the cupboard that only her man has touched, the cute kitten-heels in her closet her swollen feet may never be reunited with, the make up she used to wear, the toothbrush she used to use, the dog she used to remember to feed. She remembers that life and in it you once made her a casserole and it made her very happy. Be a dear and take her on a trip down memory lane, why don’t you?

5. Are you going to vaccinate/pierce her ears/circumcise him/hire a nanny/take her to daycare/give her a tramp stamp/let her cuss like a sailor/teach him French/let her juggle knives…etc.
Leave the future in the future. New mom’s brain is hormone-assaulted and not ready to make all kinds of plans that are probably none of your business. The only thing she’s planning to do is tear through that casserole you were nice enough to bring, so be a peach and go pop it in the oven, okay?

 

Can Ex’s Be Friends?

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(image via Ben Javens)

This is a topic that comes up a lot in the advice-giving world I live in…can couples survive a break up and remain friends? My short answer is a cautious yes. While I think it is possible, I think it needs to be managed well. And the most important thing is to have a cooling off period. Never try to go from lovers to buddies within a few days, let alone a few weeks. Give yourself some space, ignore the desire to ‘connect’ for ‘closure’ and to ‘re-establish’ the terms of your ‘relationship.’

It just won’t work. Won’t. Work.

There’s no such thing as closure. (Yes, I said it). And, there’s no reason to define anything while you’re licking your newly-single wounds. Just be. Be. And be all on your own for a minute or two. Preferably a month or two.

With some distance, that connection with the ex might not seem so desirable. You might find you don’t have the stuff that makes for a good friendship after all. Or, you might discover the opposite—that you do have room for them in your life. And with that distance from the break up you’ll be in the right head space to make it happen.

If only this guy had taken my advice…he’d still have a head full of teeth.

Cate

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Dear Piper,

My husband and I have a friend who is a single woman in her early 40′s. About 4 years ago, she decided to have a baby with sperm donated from a sperm bank. We were very supportive and excited about the “new addition”. Skip to 4 years later. The child is adorable most of the time but both she and her mother, our friend, insist that she be the center of attention at every single gathering. She even wants to bring her to our daughter’s engagement party when we specifically, albeit delicately, told her that it’s an adults-only event. She even asked if people would be “mad” if her daughter didn’t come! Many of our friends and family members have expressed frustration and it’s affecting our friendship. How do we fix this without hurting our friend’s feelings?

–Cate

Dear Cate,

First, I would like to commend you on your grammar; many don’t know the difference between affecting and effecting. Second, I love this question. It has all the juicy parts of life in it: sperm donation, single motherhood, an adorable child and adult-only events.

I have to say, more and more this is becoming a common topic among my circle of friends as more and more of them pro-create. And I will caveat my answer with the full-disclosure that I don’t have a kid. However, I’m well aware there is a time and a place for everyone. For example, I wouldn’t bring my father to a gyno appointment. I wouldn’t bring bring my boyfriend (if I had one) to a bachelorette party (unless he offered to jump out of a cake or something.) And I wouldn’t bring my boss to a job interview. It’s about logic…and logic is something your friend seems to be lacking these days.

I get the distinct feeling your friend can’t identify herself outside of motherhood. It seems she treats her daughter as her significant other, her +1, her partner in crime. A child is not a date, it’s an accessory. (This may seem harsh, but let me finish). Let’s say your friend were to wear a big red boa to the engagement party. Everyone would be oohing and ahhing over it, asking questions about it and wanting to touch it, maybe even try it on for themselves. Well, red boa=kid. The kid sucks up all the attention-attnetion that should be going to your daughter. It’s her night.

I suggest you say something like this to your friend, and be firm: “Friend, we really hope to see you at the party. We’re excited about celebrating our daughter’s engagement and having everyone who loves her around. Let me be clear, though, this is for adults only. This means Kid can’t come. She’s just so cute she’d take the focus away from our daughter and the real reason everyone is there. Plus, wouldn’t it be great for you to have a night off, you can come and let that inner-vixen out.” Then you might make some babysitter suggestions, if you have any.

Now, a few things might happen. Your friend might not come to the party. This is her choice, do not let it make you feel guilty. Or, the day before the party she may call and say she can’t find a sitter, then linger on the phone waiting for you to say it’s OK to bring the kid. Do not give in; the firmer you are now the easier it will be in the future. Lastly, and hopefully, your friend will come alone and have a great time. Reinforce her adult side that night if you can, talk about adult things, ask her about herself, her job, her dating life, a book she’s reading, who she might vote for…anything that gets her talking about herself more as a woman and less as a mom. She might just enjoy the break and have a fantastic time. Good luck.

–Piper

Jess Stu

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Dear Piper,

I missed an old friend’s b-day and I feel terrible. What should i do? She is shy and kind so she didn’t address it. But i still feel horrible.

–Jess Stu

Dear Jess Stu,

You say she’s an old friend, so, I’m going to assume she’s not going to let a thing like belated birthday wishes affect your friendship. Just bake her a cake or pick up some balloons along with a nice gift. Then apologize profusely for your faux pas. Just remember to be kind if she returns the favor, by forgetting, when your special day rolls around.

–Piper

M

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Dear Piper,

I have a good friend with bad breath…How do you lovingly tell someone something so devastating without making them feel akward?

–M

Dear M,

Oh, the halitosis conundrum…do you tell the friend and risk them screaming stinky explatives in your direction or do you keep it all to yourself and suffer for months or years to come? I think the best way to go about telling your friend is to do the following:

1. go to your local drugstore and buy one of those paper masks people use when working with questional chemicals

2. place the mask over your nose and mouth and approach your friend

3. say “As your friend, I have something difficult to tell you. However, I know if the tables were turned, I would want you to tell me the information I’m about to share with you. Why, because that’s what friendship’s all about. Now, you have a problem you may not be aware of…you see, your breath is kind of stinky. I know this may be difficult to hear, but I think you’re great and I want you to know about this problem so you can address it. Perhaps it’s affecting your life in ways you don’t even know, you know?”

4. Then give your friend a mint and a hug and hope for the best!

–Piper

Confu$ed

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Dear Piper,

My best friend borrowed money from me three months ago and hasn’t paid it back yet. What should I do?

–Confu$ed

Dear Confu$ed,

Money can ruin a friendship faster than you can say cha-ching. But, it doesn’t have to…there are a few facts missing from your letter that would be good to know, mainly, the amount in question and the terms of borrowing (if there were any.) In the future, if you lend a friend some cash it’s best to consider it gone forever. Why do I say this? Because these tenuous types of debts tend to never be reimbursed. So, if you’re cool with never seeing your dinero again, go ahead and lend away.

Let’s say, though, that you have a responsible friend who is good for their word. Well, then get it in writing. Document how much is being lent and when and how it will be paid back. Then each of you should sign it and have a copy. I’m not saying something like this will stand up in court, but, when people sign things it tends to just feel more official, more real. But that’s for the future and you have a problem now, Confu$ed. I think the next time you see your friend you should casually bring it up. Make sure no one else is around as you don’t want to embarrass your friend. Then just take a deep breath and say something like, “Hey, about that $55 I lent you back in June…I’d really like to get it back. I know you’re good for it. Oh, look, there’s an ATM now. Shall we withdraw some funds?”

–Piper

Confused

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Dear Piper,

One of my closest friends is going through a pretty stressful time in his life, and he seems pretty depressed. I’ve always believed that the best way to feel better is to talk about the things that bother you, but he consistantly avoids the subjects that I know are bothering him. Do you think it’s best to let him keep those issues to himself, or should I press the issues and try to get him to tell me what’s wrong?

–Confused

Dear Confused,

I think there’s a saying that goes something like: A friend in need is a friend indeed. What it means, I think, is when someone is in need of something you have, they’ll suddenly be your bestest friend. How does this apply to your situation? Well, I suspect that your friend knows you’re concerned about him, and that might be all he needs from you right now. Guys are different, Confused. They don’t like to sit on a couch in their underwear with an open container of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey and a big spoon, 3-way calling their closest friends in order to analyze to the minute detail ‘what the hell happened’ in Situation A to lead to Situation B. They’d rather open a beer, sit on the couch in their underwear, scratch their balls and have a conversation with Tivo about what’s on next. This isn’t to say they don’t get sad, depressed, upset or melancholy. It’s just to say they deal with it differently, and differently usually doesn’t involve lip-service. So, my advice is to do what you can to let your friend know you’re a willing ear when he needs it, and then lay off and take him to a movie.

–Piper

Friend of a Needy Friend

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Dear Piper,

I have a very dear friend that I know adores me, loves and respects our friendship. The problem is she always wants to be right and the center of attention, which drives me crazy! No matter where we are or for what reason we are there she must say or do something to make herself noticed. It is kinda crazy because she’s in her mid-thirties so she’s not a twentysomething acting out. How do I tell her to chill out without hurting her feelings?

–Friend of a Needy Friend

Dear Friend of a Needy Friend,

A friend in need is a friend indeed. Whoever said that was smoking crack. Here’s the thing: people who need to be at the center of attention are really just asking for love. They simply need more of it than the rest of us. Doesn’t matter how old or young you are…doesn’t matter how many times your mama hugged you when you were in elementary school. It’s just one of those things. Now, I suggest you let your friend act out when she needs to–you wouldn’t be able to stop it even if you wanted to. However, just because she acts out doesn’t mean you have to be her audience. Repeat that to yourself three times before reading on. OK, good. Understand what I’m saying? You don’t have to be the recipient or accomplice to her histrionics. She has a right to act a damn fool and you have a right to separate yourself from the damn fool. Step aside from the shenanigans.

–Piper