Category Archives: family

Addendum-dum, For Dummies…Make That 6 Questions Not To Ask A New Mom

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WorkingMom

I guess I hit a nerve, because my last post garnered the highest number of views since askpiper hit the web in ’04. Since the world doesn’t need another freaking mommy blog (and especially since the perfect one already exists right here) I refuse to go down that path.

I do, however, have this to add to my most recent post:

6. When are you going back to work?

It’s the greatest paradox. All through our 20s and 30s, women are asked (literally and subtlety) when we’re going to get married and spawn. A friend of mine, upon getting her MBA, was told by her mother, “Congrats. But I’m not sure how that thing is going to get you a husband.” Then, as soon as we do put our uteri to work and breed, we’re asked when we’re going to leave our newborns with a stranger, or a group of strangers or a willing relative and return to the work force so we can quickly learn the impossibility of having it all.

I first got asked this question just a few weeks after delivery. I write for a living and at the time I was so sleep deprived I was having trouble forming sentences and remembering words. Typing? Wow, that seemed much too physical a task to tackle. The question confused me; especially considering most people think giving birth requires a lobotomy (see question number 4). How could I go back to work without a brain?

My doctor had advised me not to have sex until 6 weeks after delivery. I figured that held true for commuting, too—in New York City it can be just as physical and invasive. And don’t even get me started on the backwardness of the US compared to other countries when it comes to maternity/paternity leaves!

So don’t ask a new mom when she’s going back to work, unless you’re her boss and you’re calling to give her a raise, a promotion or, a la Melissa Meyer, to tell her about the nursery you’re busy building right next to her cubicle to ease her return.

(photo from examiner.com)

5 Things Not To Ask A New Mom

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1. So when’s the next one coming?
Before this thought even crosses your mind, let alone your lips, just sit down (because you can! you can sit down without wincing, without breaking into an immediate pain-management sweat, without first looking around for your inflatable donut contraption, without counting the minutes ’til your next sitz bath! lucky you!) …sit down and think about it. How likely would you be rubbing your hands together, eagerly planning the ‘next one’ after squeezing a human being out of one of your orifices? Trust me, you wouldn’t be. And she’s not either, so shut up with your stupid future plans for a uterus that isn’t even yours and do the right thing…bring a casserole, smile at the baby, then leave. If you must stay, start doing laundry.

2. Is the baby sleeping through the night?
No. It’s a baby. They are programmed to have big, beautiful, curious, helpless eyes that never stay shut long enough for their parents to even encroach on anything looking like REM sleep. Don’t ask this question because it will send any mom into an immediate state of panic–Should she be sleeping through the night? What am I doing wrong? It’s a wrap, I’m the worst mom ever. If you feel compelled to ask this question you must follow it up with an offer to take the baby for an entire night so you can see for yourself. It’s either that or make her a casserole. So, make your bed, then lie awake in it, okay?

3. Are you breastfeeding?
This should be a no brainer. If you’ve never seen the new mom’s boobs, you have no business inquiring about them. Take your dirty mind to the kitchen and make her a casserole.

4. Can you even remember your life before baby?
Most deliveries consist of a baby entering the world via a vagina or an incision. A vigorous google search will not serve up deliveries that require lobotomies. Yes, she remembers that life. There are artifacts of it all over the place…the bottle of Scotch in the cupboard that only her man has touched, the cute kitten-heels in her closet her swollen feet may never be reunited with, the make up she used to wear, the toothbrush she used to use, the dog she used to remember to feed. She remembers that life and in it you once made her a casserole and it made her very happy. Be a dear and take her on a trip down memory lane, why don’t you?

5. Are you going to vaccinate/pierce her ears/circumcise him/hire a nanny/take her to daycare/give her a tramp stamp/let her cuss like a sailor/teach him French/let her juggle knives…etc.
Leave the future in the future. New mom’s brain is hormone-assaulted and not ready to make all kinds of plans that are probably none of your business. The only thing she’s planning to do is tear through that casserole you were nice enough to bring, so be a peach and go pop it in the oven, okay?

 

Younger People in Relationships vs. Old(ish) People in Relationships

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This just floored me. Via A Cup Of Jo’s husband, an explanation of the different role annoyances play in relationships between younger people and older people. I can’t wait to show this to one of my younger friends the next time they complain about the boyfriend who snaps his fingers when he dances, whistles or likes to eat cereal for dinner while sitting on the couch in his boxers watching Comedy Central and playing Farmville. Some things just shouldn’t carry that much weight.

“Young people in relationships tend to give negative things too much weight and underrate the positives. Negatives often get three times the weight of positives. But look at married couples in their eighties. Their little annoyances are often all they talk and joke about. “Oh, Miriam always says this…” “Oh, Herb always does that…” The little annoyances are acknowledged, accepted and part of the fabric of their relationship. They try act like they’re driving each other crazy but they really can’t live with out each other. Annoyances aren’t a deal killer. They’re a natural part of a long, happy marriage.”

(via: http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/)

Happy New Year. Let’s tell stories.

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I stumbled upon this great new site called cowbird. They describe themselves as “a small community of storytellers, sharing heartfelt, personal stories, encouraging a deeper, longer-lasting kind of self-expression than you’re likely to find anywhere else on the web.” A tall order…but I think they can do it!

I joined and wrote a story about my dog, Roy. You can check it out here.

Anti Marlboro Man

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Dear Piper,

I am a soldier on my second tour in Iraq. During my 2 week leave (when I went home), I found out my 15 year-old step-daughter has started smoking during my absence. Her mother knows about it, but didn’t tell me (she knew I would be pissed – both of our fathers died from lung cancer). While my wife doesn’t like it, she isn’t doing anything about it, besides being “disappointed.” My step daughter is a fantastic person, nice, talented, pretty and popular and I love her to death. I just don’t understand this aspect of her.

I haven’t done or said much yet (I almost exclusively leave the discipline to my wife so I am not the wicked step-father). Should I learn to live with this, or go native on her (i.e. take away the cell phone, computer etc)?

I am also wondering if I am being hypocritical; while I didn’t smoke, I was pretty much the poster wild child.

I don’t want to jeopardize my relationship with my step-daughter, but I’m not sure I can tolerate this. In my mind, a line has been crossed.

–Anti-Marlboro Man

Dear Anti-Marlboro Man,

I can see and feel your pain, even through all the smoke. As the daughter of both a current smoker and an ex-smoker I can tell you this: it’s virtually impossible to convince someone to quit who doesn’t want to quit. It’s an addiction and addictions die hard. Harder than Bruce Willis’ next sequel.

Now, your step-daughter is 15. There’s a good chance this is merely a new habit that hasn’t been escalated to monkey-on-the-back-status yet. My gut tells me your step-daughter is trying to rebel a bit, trying to plant a stake into adulthood, trying to be cool. A wild child in the making, shall we say. And there’s nothing wrong with her wanting to grow up, it’s just that this isn’t the best first step to take.

My advice is this: if she wants to dabble in adult games, you should respond in an adult manner. Don’t scold. Don’t ground her. Don’t engage in any punishment that would also be appropriate for a nine year-old. Tell her you think she’s a fantastic, nice, talented, pretty person. Tell her you love her to death. Tell her how your father’s death affected you. Tell her you want her to be healthy and happy and a non-smoker. Don’t delve into your past; this isn’t a conversation about your life, it’s about hers.

Then, if you don’t have one already, get yourself a Twitter account and follow@kidrobot. They’re donating 10-cents to anti-smoking charities for every person that follows them in May. Tell your stepdaughter you’re following them in her honor. And tell her she can watch a Labbit meet its cancerous death tomorrow, for shits and giggles.

Going forward, I’d make this about her health. She wants to join a health club? Too bad, smoking and treadmills don’t mix. She wants to go on a yoga retreat with her friends? Nope, namaste and nicotine don’t play well together. She wants 20-bucks for a manicure? No way, they’re yellow anyway. The more her ‘punishment’ for smoking aligns with actual repercussions of smoking, the more effective they’ll be.

I hope this works. Otherwise, you’re grandkids might end up like this little fellow:

–Piper

Aimee

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Dear Piper,

My daughter doesn’t like to sleep in her crib. I get daily reasons of why the crib is “scary,” how she wants to sleep in my room, how she wants to get out of bed to clean her room, or how she just “wants a snack.” I’m terrified she is going to jump out and bust her 2 year-old vertebrae. Doctors say she has to sleep train herself, but I just feel so bad at bedtime. What would you tell her? How would you convince her that her crib isn’t so bad?

–Aimee

Dear Aimee,

This sounds like a very frustrating situation. Luckily, I have a solution.

The first thing I would do is get a nice bottle of Barolo and sit down with your daughter. Over a couple glasses, explain to her that there are much scarier places in the world than her crib. In a gentle and soothing voice, let your daughter know about these places. Tell her about office cubicles, tell her about sorority houses, tell her about flying coach, about the witness stand, about the Herald Square DMV, about the dressing room at Loehmann’s. If she can take it, don’t stop there. Tell her about Florida, tell her about Fox News, tell her about high school reunions.

The idea is for her to see her crib as it truly is: a blissful oasis in a truly frightening world.

Now, I’m not a parent. The last thing I want to do is misguide you, so I checked in with a friend of mine who is a mother. According to her, I’m way off base. She thinks a 2 year-old doesn’t have the palette to really appreciate a Barolo. It’s too bold. She says a Syrah is a more age-appropriate choice for this sort of child-rearing endeavor, and she recommends putting it in a sippy cup.

Sweet dreams.

–Piper

House Guest

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Dear Piper,

Do you think it’s bad etiquette to play “hide the pickle” when staying at someone’s house? Are some situations OK and others not? For instance, if we’re sleeping over at her parents house vs. my old college roommate’s vs. my grandma’s?

–House Guest

Dear House Guest,

I think all’s fair in love and war and sleepovers as long as you manage the evidence. Do your thing, do it with the door shut, do it at a lower volume than normal and then clean up after it. And when I say clean up, I mean it. Pretend a team of DNA experts are coming in afterwards armed with test tubes and black lights and tweezers and bloodhounds. Make it very difficult for them to find a trace of any indecorous activity.

I say this assuming ‘hide the pickle’ is your euphemism for ‘doing the nasty.’ If, however, you literally want to hide a pickle in your generous friend or relative’s house, like behind the drapes or above a ceiling panel, I’ll have to change my advice. Literally hiding a pickle in someone’s home is rude and does not qualify as an appropriate hostess gift.

–Piper

Fellow Piper in Cali

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Dear Piper,

Hi Piper, I am 15, and I have a problem. In February of this year, I purchased a brand new computer. I researched this computer, read articles about it, watched videos on its functions and did a test-drive of it in a nearby store. After using it since then, I have become aware that not all my programs work with it–they were over exaggerated by the sellers. Piper, it took a great deal of work to convince by parents to let me buy it, and I even presented slideshows to them about it. Now I wish I never would have purchased the thing. I’d really like to sell it and buy a different computer, or just use the money to put into savings, or to put elsewhere. Is there a good way to ask my parents for permission to sell this computer? Thanks.

–Fellow Piper in Cali

Dear Fellow Piper in Cali,

Ah, buyer’s remorse. Been there. Done that. And then some. OK, first of all congrats on what seem to be your preternatural presentation abilities. If I had had the cojones and brainpower to make such a persuasive and visually stunning plea for a major purchase when I was your age, I wouldn’t have been playing Pong way past my prime.

Now, first things first, are you sure you have the latest operating system and software versions of your programs? This will help ensure everything should run smoothly. If everything’s up to date and you’re still having trouble, try calling the manufacturer. If that gets you nowhere you may have to level with your parents. If they paid for it with a credit card, the credit company may be able to intervene. If not, don’t bother trying to sell it. Computers are a lot like cars, as soon as you drive it off the lot it’s worth nothing. If you really don’t want it around, donate it to a charity and earn interest in the bank of karma. Good luck!

–Piper

Embarrassed Little Sister

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Dear Piper,

My older sister is having a mid-life crisis and making crazy decisions, from men to hand-guns. Should I quietly just listen to/observe/support her, or should I speak up and offer my opinion and hope she shapes up before trashing her life?

–Embarrassed Little Sister

Dear Embarrassed Little Sister,

The best lessons are learned the hard way. Which is why we sometimes have to sit back and watch as loved ones get themselves into and, hopefully, out of trouble. But when that trouble includes potentially life-threatening ingredients it’s imperative for us to at least try and intervene. Men and hand guns seldom mix to a successful end. Tell your sister your concerns, but be careful not to attack her. Tell her you love her. Tell her it’s her decisions that concern you. Ask her where she thinks her choices are taking her. Maybe if you get her own gears grinding into the thought process of “where is this situation headed” she might cut herself off at the pass.

–Piper