To all the single women out there who are looking for a walking date with some cigarette action and maybe a trip to the aquarium plus a guaranteed one night stand—today’s your gettin’ lucky day! I’ve found your man! If you happen to take him up on his offer(s) let me know how it goes. I’m especially curious about which activities you two choose, and what order you do them in.
I met an interesting fellow over the weekend and he let me in on a little secret: “When it comes to men pursuing women, it’s either courtship or conquest.” I asked about the fuzzy space between courtship and conquest and he assured me there is no such space. The more I thought about it the next day, the more I believed him to be spot on. I’d love to know what do you all think? Is it one or the other, or is there room for more?
I was hanging out with a friend yesterday, I’ll call her Martini, when she got a text from her 20 year-old cousin. “Help. I’m going on a date tonight and freaking out. How do these things work exactly?”
Martini immediately sent a flurry of texts that were not only spot on, but also genius. I’m glad she doesn’t have a site called askmartini.com because it would kick askpiper.com’s ass.
I give you her texts, verbatim. Pay attention, youngsters.
Don’t screw on the first date.
Listen to happy girl music (I like Katy Perry to get into a flirtatious mindset.)
Ask about him and what he likes. Smile and laugh as often as possible.
No garlic or messy food. Maybe stick to appetizers (2 is good) so you don’t eat like a linebacker.
You can touch him while you talk but in a proper Southern girl way.
You do not pay.
Hug and maybe a kiss goodnight. NO TONGUE.
Sigh. Where was Martini when I was twenty?
I am hoping you can add some perspective to this for me. I noticed that you have a status as in an “open relationship”. My question is, what makes an open relationship work? In other words, what do you think are the traits and requirements for a successful open relationship and do you have any specific does and don’ts you can suggest to me?
It’s true. askpiper’s facebook status is in an “open relationship.” But that refers to askpiper the brand, not Piper the person. In fact, Piper the person is in a monogamous relationship and is soon to be (OMG) hitched. askpiper is rather flirtatious and will solicit questions from just about anyone, that hussy!
But, on to your question. Lucky for you, my soon to be Mr. Ball and Chain and I recently met with our officiant to go over our homework. (Yes, there’s homework involved in getting married. There also intense linens and silverware discussions and much handwringing over vows and passed hors d’oeuvres—lamb balls, anyone?) When the topic of commitment and relationships came up, our officiant focused on two areas: intent and communication. It stuck with me.
Any relationship, open or otherwise, is a continually evolving ebb and flow of emotions, sacrifices, ups, downs, joys and gooey stuff. If each partner is aware of his or her intentions, truly aware, and if each partner communicates his or her intentions well, perhaps that’s the key to success. Obviously, an open relationship dictates that each person involved really, really, really want that type of a relationship. Then, I would imagine, there would need to be a lot of communication regarding boundaries, rules and expectations. Frank conversations…even if neither of you are named Frank.
I found some interesting reading online about open relationships, both from the male and female perspective. Give them a look and I’m sure you’ll learn a thing or two to help you along on this polyamorous journey.
Here’s a topic that came up over dinner recently. A single lady friend of mine who is super cute recounted a new situation in her life. It seems she’s reconnected with a male middle school friend and they’ve been hanging out ‘as friends.’ But, she’s wondering if maybe they could be more.
“Great!” I said. “What’s the problem?”
“I’m not sure. He might be gay,” was her answer.
Fair enough. In this metrosexual-friendly world it is getting harder and harder for a girl to keep her gaydar tuning fork performing well.
“Why do you think that?” I asked.
“Well, the other day we were talking and he said, ‘I don’t really like to sleep with girls because’…” I immediately cut her off, then took my fork and poked it into her eye, bringing her head closer to my face so I could scream into her ear. Basically I let her in on a little secret: men are seldom mysterious. If you listen, they will tell you exactly what they are thinking. If you listen, you will know exactly who they are. But the key is to really LISTEN.
I told my friend that, yes, she should be suspect of the sexual predilections of a man who can say these words, in this order, without fumbling or stuttering: I DON’T LIKE SLEEPING WITH WOMEN BECAUSE…
After retrieving my fork, she continued. “Lemme finish. He said he doesn’t like sleeping with women because then he has to have a pseudo-relationship with them and he doesn’t really want to see them in the morning.”
This time I employed my knife. My friend was so blatantly not listening to this guy that she missed the real question: it’s not ‘is he or isn’t he gay?’…it’s ‘how big of an asshole is he?’ Because a guy who tells you he doesn’t want to see girls in the morning is telling you he doesn’t want to see you in the morning. He was being very straightforward about how he feels about women, but my friend wasn’t hearing him.
So, ladies, clean out your ears. It may spare you a whole lot of heartache and get you focusing on the right questions.
While making local or long distance calls costs virtually the same now (unless you’re calling internationally), local vs. long distance in terms of relationships is still drastically different. Sure, we now have new technology to do the whole video chatting thing, which makes it seem like you’re “close,” but, come on, we all know that nothing beats having a man right next to you…to hug, to hold, to fight and make up with.
So, why are a lot of my gfs and I now in long-distance relationships (mine is 3000 miles away on the other coast)? Seems as if we can’t find decent local men anymore, or we don’t want to? My one thought is that we say we want to be settled down (we’re either approaching or already in our 30s, if it helps), but we really don’t…Or we simply just found an awesome guy elsewhere and it doesn’t go much deeper than that. Your thoughts, o wise one? )
Dear little j,
For the sake of making a point, let’s say you are in New York and your significant other is in San Francisco. Something tells me there’s a little j doppelganger in SF who’s involved with a guy in New York while she laments the ‘no decent guy’ situation in her hometown. This ‘my town sucks for dating’ ideology is probably going on all over the world.
As an adult I’ve lived in six different cities. In each city, there came a time when I cursed my locale for its adverse affect on my dating life. But, when you go from the Midwest to the West to the South and then to the Northeast and you still have the same issues, an honest girl’s gotta come clean with herself. I was left with these possible conclusions: it was me, or it was in my head. I decided to go with the latter as it suited my ego better.
I think this phenomenon you write about has no simple explanation, nor course of action. On one hand, I could make a case for the LDR (long-distance relationship) as an adult manifestation of the ‘imaginary friend’ we all had as kids. Remember him or her? Remember the comfort they brought? Just knowing there was someone out there, someone only for you, made the difficulties of growing up a lot easier to bear. When the class bully roughed me up I knew my imaginary friend would be there to console me later. This was convenient. And when there was only one piece of pie left I could make the bitch go away so I didn’t have to share it with her. Also convenient.
There’s a certain convenience to these LDRs, isn’t there? Your boyfriend moves; you don’t have to help him. Your boyfriend is sick; you don’t have to bring him chicken noodle soup. Your boyfriend wants to watch Army Wives and you want to watch Dancing with the Stars…see where I’m going here? It could be that you and your girlfriends are busy and the convenience of a long distance relationship fits perfectly into your crazy schedules.
On the other hand, I could also make a case for the truism that whatever is out of reach is ever more desirable. The grass is always greener on the other side; the guy is always cuter on the other coast. The elusive is seductive, and if the local boys aren’t seducing you and your friends in the ways you’d prefer, a cute guy with a huge obstacle in front of him might do the trick. Right? I mean, there’s nothing a career-minded woman of today likes more than a challenge, and the LDR does come with a certain set of challenges.
Ah, the challenges. You have to move; your boyfriend doesn’t have to help you. You’re sick; your boyfriend can’t bring you chicken noodle soup. Catch 22, those LDRs.
The world is getting smaller and smaller thanks to technology, airplanes and credit cards. I don’t see the LDR fading away any time soon. And I don’t think it should. When they work out, you’re an inspiration to singles everywhere looking to find love ten time zones away. And when they don’t, well, at least you’ve racked up enough frequent flyer points to go to Costa Rica and plant the seeds for something even more enticing, the LDRR (long-distance rebound relationship.)
I have a crush on a guy and we are going out. We are having an amazing time but he’s moving across the country in a month. We love to spend time on bed together (he’s grreeaat) and I feel I’m letting “the one” go away. How can I work out this expiration dating? Do I cut it by the root before I get more involved?
Hmm. You used the word ‘expiration.’ This leads me to believe, in your heart of hearts, you already see this feisty liaison coming to an end soon. My advice to you is enjoy it while it lasts; get absolutely no sleep, keep the googly eyes in fifth gear, call in horny and so on. Then, once Mr. Maybe The One has moved, give it a couple of months and after things simmer down see which cliché holds true: out of sight, out of mind…or, absence makes the heart grow fonder. If it’s the latter, I recommend a credit card where you can earn a lot of frequent flyer miles with your purchases and Skype. It may come to pass that you decide to move, too. Many people have moved across the United States for more silly things than love. I should know. I was one of them.
I’ve been bisexual for two years now, but I like girls more than I do guys. Right now I really like this girl, but she never believes me because she says I never seem sincere. What should I do?
Girl meets girl. Girl gets girl. If only it were that simple. Trust and sincerity don’t happen overnight. If your intentions truly are heartfelt, I think time will tell. I wonder, however, how is it that you’re communicating your feelings to your hard-to-get hottie? Are you saying and doing things that are boring and the norm? You know…complimenting her eyes…complimenting her clothes…buying her flowers. In other words, are you expressing your true feelings in ways that aren’t true to your personality or character? This could be where the insincerity she accuses you of is stemming from. Be yourself. Express yourself as only you can. Use your own language, your own sense of humor or your own penchant for uber-romantic stuff. If all that fails you can go Cro-Magnon on her, club her over the head and drag her to your cave by her hair.
i’m rather confused with that “dating business” here in nyc. what is it with this rather odd “dating etiquette” that american girls seem to stick to? do they read the wrong magazines, or are they as uptight as they behave? a third possibility would be- and this might be closer to the truth – they are all fembots. if that is the case, can you tell me where all the real, genuine girls are in this city?
Dear Desperately Seeking,
I was trying to keep my whereabouts a bit of a secret, but you’ve outed me. Yes, like you, I live in New York. And I have to say, DS, I feel your pain. Dating here can be like a roller coaster ride; one minute you’re as high as the trees with the wind a-blowin’ in your hair and the next you’re making all kinds of empty promises while puking on some stranger sitting next to you. Alas, there is hope.
First of all, however, I need to correct a misconception you seem to have: New York girls are not American girls. Yes, New York is in America. But this isn’t about geography. New York, and New Yorkers are an entity unto themselves. So, I can give you advice on dating American girls and it will work fine for you in, say, my hometown of Cincinnati, Ohio. But that advice won’t do scrap for you in NY. Nuf’ said?
Now, you want to know where all the real, genuine girls are in the city. OK, I’ll tell you. They’re walking their dogs at 7 am. They’re in the laundry on the weekends. They’re hanging out in the travel section at Barnes & Noble on a Friday night. They’re two seats behind you on that flight back from Dallas. They’re serving jury duty. They’re hailing a cab on University back to Brooklyn. And how do you spot her? Her hair is messy. Her shoes cost less than $75. She’s listening to her ipod. She’s giving up her seat on the train for old people. Her nails aren’t done. And, she’s looking at you. Yes, she’s looking at YOU. But you aren’t paying attention, DS. Exquisite attention. So you miss it.
You see, we genuine girls check out you genuine boys, only we’re subtle about it. It’s a skill you males of the species haven’t quite mastered just yet. Try looking for it the next time you’re out. It looks kind of like this: a millisecond extension on a glance your way, a 13-degree angle swivel in your direction, the well-timed yet seamless deceleration in speed so as to miss the ‘walk’ sign on the street we’re both about to cross. We do this because we desperately want you to say ‘hi.’ More important than your pick-up line at the bar, more impressive than your Don Juan stature at a house party, is your small talk in a random situation. Believe me, if you try to pick me up while I’m all sweaty and red-faced, coming from the gym I’m gonna give you more room to play than if you step to me at the club.
I challenge you, Desperately Seeking, to look at every errand as an opportunity to score. It’s these normal situations where the somewhat normal girl you seek can be found.