Dear Piper,

I am a size 5, and a little taller than 5-feet, lady. I am moving to Germany and have a few concerns. First: how the hell am I going to travel with three 70-pound suitcases that are the same height as me? Second: how the hell am I going to be able to convert my strict diet of street-meat and protein shakes, to a diet filled with sausage and creme? I am worried my little body is not going to be able to handle all this change. What is a midget to do?

–Germans

Dear Germans,

The second most useful place to have a lot of 1-dollar bills is the airport. Bat your eyes at every porter and skycap and start to grease their palms with your Benjamins.

And speaking of greasy hands, here’s what to do with all that sausage. Go ahead and order it, all the sausage and creme a girl can handle. Then take out your protein power and dump it on top. Roll the sausages around in the powder; the powder will soak up the creme and make a really nasty paste. Scoop the paste away and eat your newly de-cremed sausages! Yum!

On a different note, I have some German jokes for you.

Q: How do you saw ‘bra’ in German? A: Stoppen from floppen.

Q: How do you say ‘Vaseline’ in German? A: Weiner-schleiden.

Q: How do you say ‘virgin’ in German? A: Gooden-tite.

–Piper