Dear Piper,

My daughter doesn’t like to sleep in her crib. I get daily reasons of why the crib is “scary,” how she wants to sleep in my room, how she wants to get out of bed to clean her room, or how she just “wants a snack.” I’m terrified she is going to jump out and bust her 2 year-old vertebrae. Doctors say she has to sleep train herself, but I just feel so bad at bedtime. What would you tell her? How would you convince her that her crib isn’t so bad?

–Aimee

Dear Aimee,

This sounds like a very frustrating situation. Luckily, I have a solution.

The first thing I would do is get a nice bottle of Barolo and sit down with your daughter. Over a couple glasses, explain to her that there are much scarier places in the world than her crib. In a gentle and soothing voice, let your daughter know about these places. Tell her about office cubicles, tell her about sorority houses, tell her about flying coach, about the witness stand, about the Herald Square DMV, about the dressing room at Loehmann’s. If she can take it, don’t stop there. Tell her about Florida, tell her about Fox News, tell her about high school reunions.

The idea is for her to see her crib as it truly is: a blissful oasis in a truly frightening world.

Now, I’m not a parent. The last thing I want to do is misguide you, so I checked in with a friend of mine who is a mother. According to her, I’m way off base. She thinks a 2 year-old doesn’t have the palette to really appreciate a Barolo. It’s too bold. She says a Syrah is a more age-appropriate choice for this sort of child-rearing endeavor, and she recommends putting it in a sippy cup.

Sweet dreams.

–Piper