Dear Piper,

Does it surprise you that Cheez-Its are America’s #1 cheese-flavored snack cracker? Also, does trying to fellate myself with the aid of a long rubber tube make me gay?

–Hungry and Sexually Confused

Dear Hungry and Sexually Confused,

As a grown woman, the American appetite for artificially flavored cheese products that crunch when you bite them and leave a stubborn orange residue on your fingers will never surprise me. Nor will the extremes men will go to for self-pleasure. I don’t think such an experiment means you’re gay. Certainly not. However, I caution you to refrain from indulging in American’s #1 cheese-flavored snack cracker before engaging in the American Male’s #1 favorite past time. That’s no place for a stubborn orange residue.

–Piper