Dear Piper,

Does teeth whitening toothpaste really work? Because my teeth are the color of bark…but maybe the proper solution is to ease up on the coffee and cigartettes.

–Peter

Dear Peter,

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. I say teeth are the portals to our innards. I don’t really know what that means, but roll with me here. Teeth are important. Not just because they help you enjoy a nice Porterhouse every now and then, but also because they are front and center when you smile. If you’re really dealing with teeth that resemble wood chips from Home Depot, perhaps whitening toothpaste won’t be enough. I think you should start with those paint on/tape on overnight treatments and see how that works. Otherwise, I’ve had friends who’ve had success with a laser-type procedure, but that costs mucho dinero. Cut down on the coffee and cigs and put that extra cash in a jar labeled Peter’s Whiter Teeth Fund and maybe sometime in 2008 you’ll be able to afford it.

–Piper